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  • Pamela Martens

Death Surrounds Me

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

I was adopted. After my birth family revealed themselves to me after 54 years without them, Jesus showed me the miracles and situations that previously shaped my life. I could actually see the who, what, when, where and how of my life. Truly blown away, all I could say was, “WOW,” for about six weeks.

I met my brothers, Rick and Greg, and sister Fay. It is a long story for a book someday. Yet this is not my point here.

Greg made a promise he could not keep. I asked him to never leave me. . . .

Fifty days after my 18 year old daughter, Paige, died in a tragic car accident, my dear brother Greg died too. His death occurred on same freeway and in the same way, Paige died. Paige was on Interstate 5 in Southern California, and Greg was on Interstate 5 slightly over the Oregon border. Neither one of them were wearing their seatbelts and both thrown from their cars.

Today marks that day. My heart hurts. Tears well up in my eyes once again. I know I will see my baby and brother again, but it still hurts.

"Dear Jesus, make it stop! I cannot stand this anymore! My baby and my brother! Father, why does death surround me?”

I know this. Life can continually hit you between the eyes. It will knock you down, but you keep getting up. One situation looms and then another squeezes into your heart to complete the unbearable anguish. Every breath leaves your body shallow and vacated.

Then, as the deafening silence surrounds my sobs I hear, "You can do all things through Me who gives you strength, Pamela." (Phil 4:13). My daughter’s favorite verse, now sweetly whispered in my mind.

Slowly, I reached up from the ashes that are surrounding and smothering me. I cried out for Jesus and reached up into the still air. I slowly stood in my living room with my head down, tears gently streaming down my cheeks. Then I felt His hand underneath my chin, ever so gently raising it to the Heavens.

“Oh dear Jesus, my heart and body aches with grief. Please help me!”

I could feel that unmistakable presence of Jesus comforting me with His loving grace and peace once again. The silent room now filled with the unmistakable air of unconditional loving compassion. Then I realize, this is the same unconditional loving compassion that saved me the night I took the driver’s face in my hands and forgave him for killing our daughter, Paige. God was in the room with all His glory once again.

For that One and Only reason, today my heart was changed. I raise my hands up high and thanked Jesus for my beautiful daughter and brother. Yes, the tears will continue, but the trust in God has been strengthened beyond belief.

“For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:17

"Because You are a loving God; not a God of pain and sorrow. I once again give You my trust, dear Father. I rejoice in You! For I know You did not cause these accidents, but You gave us Jesus to pick up Paige and Greg and take them home." Today those words not only ring in my heart, but in my soul.

Wherever you are in your life, whatever you may have done or not done, Jesus loves you unconditionally and never wanted this for you or me. This is a broken relentless world, but we have the promises of Jesus. The promise of everlasting life is what I cling to with restful trusting prayers.

I pray that through your tears, you will feel the loving compassion of our Savior. He IS with you, now and forever. Amen


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