- Pamela Martens
A New Year's Letter to Jesus
An Open Prayer to Jesus
“You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you.”
The memories of my daughter, Paige, loom over my head every minute of every day. I miss her and will always feel my love for her that stretches to Heaven and back. Her untimely death, the horrid sounds that relentlessly ran through my head of the accident that took her life, has waned now. No, life will never be the same. Yet the grief that encompassed the bubble I was living in, now gently surrounds my heart and soul. No longer, do I feel strangled by the pain and visions of her dying; only beautiful visions of you, Jesus, gently picking up Paige, and taking her home.
I need to remember Jesus that you ARE there all day, every day. With past and present busy mantras of my day, from the fast-paced Southern California traffic now to the slower paced San Joaquin Valley, the pressures of a new ministry are glaring at our bottom line. Through the “noise,” I must admit it is hard to hear you and feel your grace, Jesus. The material items that used to make me happy are now shallow reminders of the life I used to lead.
I am not much for New Year’s resolutions. They always seemed useless to me as I watched others and my “self-promises,” slowly dwindle as the days, weeks and months progress. Yet since Paige died, I have found them awkward. If I hadn’t been doing them all year long, why do I need a date to begin now?
However, today was different, Jesus. Today my soul was touched and my heart opened, as I felt the Holy Spirit engulf me. A warm blanket surrounded me and took total control of my thoughts. This now, is my resolution to you and me, Jesus.
Jesus, I always want to keep my day a long open prayer to you. From the moment my eyes open to the waning of my energy. I want to start and continue my day praying and talking to you, all day long. Yet I do not want to say, “Amen,” until our last whispers together and I begin to close my eyes. I want my day to be a long open prayer to you, Jesus! I know this is more than a resolution; it is really a promise to you. Help me dear Savior to make my day an open prayer to you, through the way I treat others, forgiving those when needed, asking for forgiveness and opening my grieving eyes to your beauty.
"I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength."
Hear my prayers dear Savior! I will do my best, Jesus, to daily reach out for your hand and walk next to you all day, every day. The long dark and ugly winding road of grief, pain and anguish has slowly become straighter and greener because of you. I can once again see colors that fill me with visions of you. Your love for me has always been there, yet now I do not simply “feel it.” I absorb it. Thank you for keeping me next to you day in and day out. My love for you, Jesus, is never ending and I thank and praise you for giving us a future in Heaven. Because of you, I know I will run with my Paige again. So dear Jesus, with your blessing, I will make my day an “open prayer” to you. It is in your Holy Name I praise and ask these things, Jesus. . . . .Amen for now, and AMEN as I close my eyes!
With my everlasting love,