Be still, and know that I am God. . .
Psalm 46:10 (KJV)
Since the death of our incredibly talented, funny and beautiful daughter, Paige, I sit in silence. Every morning, I find the courage to rise. Yet after brushing my teeth, showering, and making the family morning coffee, life becomes still and quiet. Day after day, I sit and stare, as I am never bored, just still in mind, body and spirit.
The house has no music playing or television blaring. The neighborhood is unobtrusive as my thought pattern withers away into the deep abyss called "grief."
I did not share this with anyone except my husband, Tom. After a year or so of sitting in silence, I decided to tell him upon his return from work. My sweet soul mate said nothing. Yet I could read the concern written all over his face. Even though he knew now, I do not think he could fathom what it would be like to just, sit. The last thing I wanted to do was to worry my husband.
A few weeks later, an opportune time to share this odd aspect of my healing, presented itself. I felt safe with my dear friend of many years, and knew that I could share this story. It is not a long story by far; it is quite short and sweet. I lowered my head and went for it. Yet the minute I place a period on my brief story, my friend says, “What are you doing? Waiting for God to speak to you?” She gave an overly hearty chuckle.
As I raised my eyes to meet hers, I could feel the blood rushing to my brain. It was as if a flood of mercy washed over me.
“Yes,” I declared, “YES I AM!”
After the loss of a loved one and in my case, the loss of my awesome 18 year old Paige, it is ok to sit and wait for God. No, it is not the most physically productive time spent, as most of society would see it; nevertheless, it is very productive spiritually. It was in that silence, that I picked up my Bible and began with Genesis, chapter 1, verse 1.
Reading the Bible was always my passion; skipping around from king to king, prophet to prophet, yet always returning to the New Testament and to my Savior. This time was different. My Bible reading journey ended 5 ½ months later with the last word in Revelation, “Amen.” I was driven to read the Bible straight through, and did just that. I am always and forever grateful that Jesus came and added peace to my world and into my heart.
As for my dear friend's previous comment: Not only did I wait for God, I found Him in every word of the Bible. Over and over, day after day, He breathed life into my wounded spirit and my broken heart. I found myself comforted in ways I had never expected or experienced.
Now, I find silence a blessing. I do not feel guilty or regret a single moment. This is my time with God to be silent, and it is ok. This time has graciously been given to me after so much terror within the boundaries of my daughter Paige's death.
Prior to her death, I would not have seen this as a blessing. Now I do. I keep my Bible near; place my hand on it with peace in my spirit and on my heart, as I open God’s Word. I have found peace in my silence, and it is the peace of Jesus.
Dear Jesus, I praise Your loving compassion. You are amazing, dear Savior. Thank You so much for giving me the time to be still and silent. Lord, I lift up those who are grieving. Give them Your heavenly peace and let their silence be filled with Your loving words and deeds. I pray for their grieving hearts and lift them up to You for comfort. Thank You Jesus for comforting me. I cannot walk this grief path without You and I am so blessed that I do not have to. In your name, I praise You Lord, Amen.