An Open Letter to God

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Dear God,

I thought we were doing just fine.

Every time Paige went to her friends or relatives homes, every time she got into a car to travel with the basketball team or other families, every time she was not near me where I could not control her surroundings, I prayed and gave her to You for care. I became quite confident in Your ability to keep her safe and unharmed. I knew Your guardian angels were fast at work. Paige’s basketball travels became rampant; yet my trust in You grew day in and day out.

One day as Paige was repacking one of three sports bags; I walked by her room and said, “I am going to start calling you, ‘The Bag Lady.’”

She laughed and agreed that would be a great name, “I am traveling and living out of bags all of the time, aren’t I Mom?”

“Yes dear and it sure would be great to see you hold still,” I said with a huge grin. We both had a chuckle and moved on with our days.

Little did I know at that time that it would be Paige’s pension for traveling that would get her killed. It was all “in the cards,” and I never saw it coming.

I remember telling my Pastor Ted, “Oh I’m not worried, God has my back!” After Paige died, that did not seem the case. My heart broke completely when I remembered Jeremiah’s 29:11 proclamation, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” My trust and confidence has been brutally wounded.

Where did my hope and future go when Paige died? I am crushed that she is gone. I need her love, humor and insight so much. There are no words for missing your deceased child, especially when they die before you do. No parent should have to bury a child, Father.

Through the help of counseling by Dr. Karen, I do not believe that the realization of my sinking doubt in You, Father, would have been revealed. I could not believe, after all we had been through together, that my daughter’s protection would flounder.

I have seen You boldly spread Your grace over my life, Father while moving every mountain in my way. I have seen You bring Paige through unbearable tears to joyful glory. I have seen Your work in others. I see You everywhere I go. Yes, You are here and I feel Your presence. That is why I am asking you this: “Why couldn’t I be there to say, “Good-bye?” If You were going to take Paige and her appointment with Jesus had to be kept, why was I not allowed to hold my baby and say, “Good-bye” as Jesus ushered her into Heaven?

Yet after a little time has passed, I realized that You have been here and You gave me Jesus to wipe each and every tear. The Holy Spirit counsels me with comforting words as He helps me speak to others. How could I have possibly have doubted You?

In Your divine glory, how could I imagine what was good for me? It was my hope and my future according to Pamela, not according to You.

One day after prayers and tears, I realized that I did have a “hope and a future.” I realized that this verse is a true prophecy. It was not “Pamela’s” personal future at all. It was not MY verse at all! It was You, Father telling Jeremiah that we ALL have a “hope and a future.” Our hope and future is Your Son, Jesus Christ!

Even now as I write, the tears are on the verge of giving me away to my family once again.

Father, I love You through the pain,

Pamela